Am I still Capable of Doing Something?

Klin Cheng

Aug 5-6, 2010

      During the time when I was not that busy as a cook, I was always thinking about whether I could still continue my intellectual pursuits and craft something in beautiful, if not sublime, fashion to show the look, the taste and the feel of an aspiring soul. In the past, I had found this undertaking a great challenge to me. Now, saddled with the huge debts that came so unexpectedly, I don’t think I could fulfill my dream without herculean efforts. So, I learn to live with a lingering fantasy, making myself believe my prime hasn’t come yet, and I can still use my remaining years to engage in an uphill battle. Of course, physically, I have been over the hill, as you can see it from the fact that I am no longer a tennis player awed by many. But that shouldn’t be a declining sign of my unending strivings, because the important things are the ideas that come out from your mind, not any other feat you demonstrated. That’s why I still feel obliged to offer food for thought, even though I keep showing off my concoctions on daily basis. I wasn’t even flattered by the praises sung of me for my gourmet food, because, for all my efforts, I was still not heralded as a creative writer. That’s the loneliest part of me, as I always feel this merit of me will never be recognized. It was as if I had been in a world where nobody shared my taste, or I just couldn’t get access to like-minded people.

       That’s tormenting, as it kept reminding me of my utter obscurity and the limbo I am in.  I can only find solace in “Symphony of Sorrowful Songs”. That’s the beautiful thing I aspired for, though, in some way, I’ve got my own version of it in my novel A Sorrow in Mind. So, perhaps, my struggle was not completely futile--at least, it enabled me to show me as a literary man on my latest-published dictionary. Now, anyone trying to know me can learn my new role (莊修) on Internet. That’s great, because, all of a sudden, I feel I am no longer humble—by printing out my books one after another, I finally found a niche for myself.

      Yet, that shouldn’t be a reason for me to rest on my laurels. I still have to churn out quality things to assert myself. That, of course, requires me to juggle grueling hours of labor with writing demands. So, from time to time, I practice the art of multitasking, seeking revelation while washing dishes. That’s when I feel my life is meaningful and I am a man worthy of attempting more ambitious projects. Maybe, ten or fifteen years later, I could let the name 莊修 known to people through my other works. What a joyful thing that is! And you can always salvage your soul by tasting solemn moments at Radio Walsingh. It soothes my mind and makes me feel at peace and relieved. After all, all those hymns and requiems are what I hold sacred. And I don’t have to be a religious guy to enjoy all this, as I am only seeking for a simple melody with holy harmonies.

      That certainly is good for me. Still, I long for the thing that would galvanize me and resurrect my career in creative writing, which, though spanning more than 30 years, has never been glittering or rewarding. As a chef, I don’t think I could have any chance to meet a kindred spirit. So, as long as I am nobody, I’ll always be a stranger to those around me. That helps spur my growth. Now, I see no reason why shouldn’t I tolerate insolence and inoculate me from those who try to belittle me, as I am in no mood to mind anything that is less than my cause. 

      Twenty-four years after I wrote A Quest for Love, I still had that longing. But, I am getting old, and the girl I adored in my novel Away From the Earthly World never showed up. That proves to be a cruel mirage. So, what’s the use of this stupid fantasizing?  I shall have no more delusion about this world and myself.